Friday, 21 October 2022
What drives you? What makes you want to get out of bed in the morning and achieve for the day?
I would ask this question everyday. Since I moved to Wagga I was facing challenges – financial and adjusting to a new place.
I questioned my choice of PhD and wondered if I was on the right path. The only way to find out was to complete the PhD and see what the world had to offer. I was clear once I finish my PhD, do my post doc with Nestle, preferably in Switzerland and then move to my place in Melbourne and start my own cooking school/take way joint. Live a simple and peaceful life.
My feeling of lazy and the stress I was facing I placed it due to the planetary position of Saturn – Sani Bhagwan! I was not feeling good about myself, my situation, etc. I had so many things to be grateful about yet that satisfaction seemed to be missing.
I reflected back on my life. Four years ago in October 2018, when I left my job in New Zealand not knowing where I was going to go be, etc and still working things out. I kept myself very busy with applying for scholarship, doing things, flying between NZ and Australia. And then I wanted to finish my Certificate in Business Management course. While doing that I was also writing my PhD research proposal and visiting Canterbury University getting into he PhD mode, etc. Things didn’t work out, I moved and when I reflect I don’t’ think I move as much these days. I was very active. I had a larger mortgage too, then why the stress now with lesser mortgage.
I felt a sense of relief to know I could move my kiwi super and complete my loan.
I usually do not know how long am I going to be in the town/city – usually two max three years has been on average. But PhD is three and a half years – how am I going to do! Do I already feel stuck knowing I need to be here for three and a half years?
I had all the freedom, time, resources I need then why am I not moving in that direction?
Why do I keep procrastinating and postponing what I need to do. Yes I can escape or two days but an accumulated time will show up.
Sunday, 23 October 2022
I am feeling very contended today, productive.
I got up at 6:30pm, did my meditation, then after shower ate and was all done and ready by 9:15am. Then sat and read one chapter from Gaur Gopal Das on forgiveness. Then went for a walk around 10:10 for a brisk walk and then got home in time for Devotionals. Since only three of us were present, I used the opportunity to discuss pros and cons of renting the place I am at versus moving to a hostel on campus.
Staying on campus meant I would need to share the house with 7 other people - 8 in total.
The houses in hostels have two wings with four bedrooms on each side. Four people sharing the bathroom, toilet and wash basin. At the place where I am I have a large bedroom, queen bed with ensuite. The only thing I was thinking was staying on campus will mean I will stay more focused on my PhD. Why was I not like that here in my current place. What were the things that I did not like about the current place. Yes, it is less crowded, more space to myself and my flat-mate. I realized it was the natural lighting. The house has high ceiling and the windows are not so many. It feels and is a bit darker to my liking. I have the lights on all the time and the heater too. So after the brainstorming session, I got the key question to help me navigate through this issue. What is it that I don't like and what action am I taking about the problem at hand. So I sat in the porch and enjoying the natural light as I write this blog.
Feeling Lonely
I was not the only one facing the lonely thingee. A feeling of hopelessness and downright boredom to the extent as if there is no life! As I was talking to few friends in various conversations I came to the conclusion:
1. Lonely is a common issue. this tends to happen if you are so used to large groups of people and outside distractions. Those who know how to make the most of their time, be happy do not feel lonely. As I was listening to the audiobook - Chaos to calm it was very clear - when you focus on your breathing and consciously take heavy breaths you are not thinking about other stuff, or worries, all you are doing is focusing on your incoming or outgoing breath. We find ourselves lonely when we don't know what to do - yes too much time in your hands. In such cases I ask myself what is it that I woudl like to do that gives me JOY. YEs, I probably sound like Marie Kondo of \what gives you joy do that!.
Yesterday, I did a vision board with a friend. She had a ball. Though I did not speak much, we both had fun. I have another friend whom I ring to talk matters of the spirit - karma, integrity how are they interlinked, etc.
Today, before my mind went into a negative and judgmental spiral down, I kept taking actions. So the conclusion was take actions before the mind starts to judge, wander, ponder, etc.
2. What are your hobbies? I like sketching, walking, cooking and above and beyond all what gets me excited is planning. I realised since I moved here to do my PhD, I wasn't planning my meals. My low iron and hemoglobin levels meant I needed to take a closer look at my diet.
I have started intermittent fasting and on Saturdays, it is a night fasting - 6pm to 6am - no onion, no garlic!
As I planned my meals I realised I dont' need to just stick to korma and dal - there is so much more I can do. When I was working having a flatmate to share the food helped tremendously and I acknowledged that today. Why don't we do things for ourselves when we give so lavishly to others? May be that was the lesson in for me.
Another few emails and then I am hitting the bed.
So here is my planned routine ...
Up by 5:45am, do meditation and a brisk walk
Ready by 8am - Have breakfast and prepare lunch
To Uni by 9:30am and home by 6pm
In the evenings keep myself occupied and get busy with self-developed commitments or other programs. This includes dancing, Ruhi, catch up on Marie Forleo's B-School and / or emails.
Prepare for the next day - around 9pm and off to sleep by 9:30pm.
Rinse and repeat.
Let's see how I keep up with the routine, etc.
Good night for now .... zzz
26 October 2022
It is so interesting up and down of the mind. one moment it is exciting and the next day feels likes a struggle. I have been listing to chaos to calm. "You cannot breath deeply and worry at the same time." today when I had a coffee catch up with a fellow colleague, I realised I better make the most of my situation. why did we move overseas? I recall it is for opportunities. Yes, I have been given that. It is so easy to focus on what is not going well, use that as an excuse to procrastinate! Or keep moving forward and take the steps in the direction you( in this case I) want!
So what is it that I want? why am I here ? What is it that I need to do more so who do I need to be in order to do what I need to do? A lot of questions. And my mind loves to answer them, that is another way of distracting the chattering and cynical mind. So today's task is to complete the email, at least get started. In one of Shade Zahrai's LinkedIn post she said, if you feel like giving up, you are 40% complete, or something like that, do another ten minutes and move a littel forward. she seems and appears all sorted. she is also doing a PhD! sometimes I feel I am not smart enough to do a PhD. I think I just need to get started ... start studying, reading and take one step at a time Jaishree, let time be the judge!
So I feel better after reading two articles ... imagine how would I feel after reading 100 articles?
Friday, 28 October 2022
I have moved into a smaller room, cosier and I realised how similar it was to my previous flat I was in. I loved the fact there was a bed and walk-in ward robe. the walk in ward robe leads to ensuite. the force of the water is like having a shower ina beautiful waterfall. I love the force of the water and at the end of each shower I have a cold shower for 10 or so seconds it makes me even more so alive!
I am working from home today. Enjoying the cup of tea, and brightness of the house. I have to prepare for a presentation and have yet to start.
I had invited the house owner and another acquaintense who introduced me to the house owner for lunch. I made my classical chicken korma, rice, and dal.
I have been worried about my sugar levels. It put me on track to start intermittent fasting, lost interest in food and wondered what to do. I have polycystic ovaries for which I was diagnosed with metformin the same medication for diabetes.
Saturday,
29 October
Had an
awesome start to the morning. Went for a nice longer walk.
My ideal
and planned schedule is to be up by 5:30am - do meditation and walking
completed by 7.30am. Get ready for university after cooking breakfast and
lunch. Breakfast I have been having oats kanji - this is oat bran, hing (asafoetida),
salt, water, dash of ginger power and a dollop of yoghurt after
cooking.
Today as
I walked, I enjoyed the river on the left-hand side of the walk and did like a
loop. The loop is about 40 minutes walk a brisk one! I sometimes
see couples, people walking their dog or dogs, houses on the right-hand side
with beautiful gardens, some purple flowers and I keep walking with a
smile.
I got
home and was fully pumped for the day ahead. I have been checking my
glucose levels every hour and what I am realising is I constantly eat .... eat
every hour.
While
walking I listen to an audiobook. This time I am almost towards Chapter
Nine of from Chaos to Calm. The four essentials - eat, move, sleep and
one more starting with S. I remember it as the acronym for MESS.
The last S was switch off.
What
other plans for the day?
I have
the editing work to finish, email people, finish some university work, meditate,
look forward to going to Melbourne.
Today on
the walk, I was talking to a friend, I call her my spiritual friend, coz we
only talk spirituality, alignment and none of the worldly matter - it's pure
knowledge, transformation, etc. I enjoy my conversation with her.
Today, I realised how be it Esther Hicks (Abraham), Landmark, Art of Living,
Vipassana are all aligned in a way there is no contradictions in teachings or
applications. For example, 'what's so right now' is what is IS. THe
current moment - state the facts, detaching the emotions from the current state
of reality. 'Performance is solely to ACTION' either you have done it or
not. A clear cut yes or no - without excuses or reasons. I am not
saying emotions are wrong - all I got from the conversation was you have a
choice int he matter. You may feel 'not in the mood' and what are you
going to do about it? Are you still going to complete the set of tasks
you set out to do irrespective of what or how you feel? Letting your
emotions override your performance is procrastination. I woudl call t
yield stress. Distraction could be another was to 'not do or perform'
causing procrastination. The impact of procrastination is the task is not
completed and has an impact on long term reputation.
I am
enjoying this writing. My intention is to share my learnings and
applications and learning form the applications from various audiobooks,
podcasts, conversation with friends, family, etc. I also want to share
the financial aspect which seems like a topic that we don’t' openly
discuss.
