Imposter Syndrome and THe Imposter Solution

It is interesting and has been very intersting.

I was listenign to Imposter Solution by Cassandra Dunn.  She exxplains what is Imposter Syndrome and that it was coined in 1978.  It is a term that a lot of people feel.  There are many layers to the syndrome.  Not caused just from "not feelign good enough", there are several aspects to it.  Chapter 2 talks about what and how the syndrome is caused.  It all boils down to self-doubt and questioning our abilities.

I asked myself when is it or where is it I dont' feel this?

For me it is in cooking, in my life and the inner works of the mind.

I dont' feel like an imposter when presenting, or talking to strangers, or when it comes to tidyign up my place, or be it organising my day, planning travels.

Why?  I looked at why I dont' feel insecure in these areas.  The answer was simple.  I love these adventures, it gives a sense of purpose, joy, excitement.  I dont' doubt my cooking, cleaning, or speaking abilities.  They are and have become natural coz I have practised it so many timmes that it has become second nature.  

It seemed so clear and when I sat down to write it it is less than a page.  That's ok too.

Books in my virtual audio library

I love reading books, especially the personal development ones.  Is that an escape into creating my perfect life or is it a spiritual and human being development that I thrive and get such a buzz from!

There are always many books on the go.  Ideally, I would love to take a book, complete it finish it, write down key things I learnt and move to the next one.  I somehow seem to weave them like a patch work blanket.

Sometimes the Gita and sometimes the works of Swami Vivekananda.  And then there are people like Dr John Dimartini.  A friend sent me this link and I started taking notes - The 13-Step Manifestation Formula Behind The Law of Attraction - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wgDnba9RPpk

And then I was talking to a friend about what books have they been reading?  

These two to be added, in addition to others

1. Richard Feyman's Six Easy Pieces

2. Old man and the sea by Ernest Hemingway

3. The Values Factor by Dr John Demartini

4. Wealth money can't buy by Robin Sharma

5. The Imposter Solution by Cassandra Dunn

6. The Seat of the soul by Gary Zukav

It may appear and look like I have a lot of time.  YEs and no.  I make time for those that are utmost important to me that feed my soul and both intellectual and spiritual development.

Pros and Cons of being a research scientist

Good morning 

It's Easter and I am here in Wagga .... working away on few things on my mind.  Recently I came across an interview with MS Dhoni ... former Indian cricket captain and also known for being "Captain Cool".  His philosophies are simple and yet can appear difficult.

Recently I have become his fan for his principles.

Lot of things are going through my mind - some of the key learnings and so much more.

I started a pros and cons list of being a PhD student or in fancy terms a research scientist .... I wrote one word the same word in both columns, I laughed and that was end of the list.  The word was flexible.

Yes, as a research scientist there is flexibility how or when I work but what is freedom if there is no commitment or structure to it.

I started the day off well and then phased out because I did not complete what I set out to do.  I realised I have too ambitious standards and fail to reach them; I need to fine tune.  It took me almost an hour to do three slides, I realise the amount of work required and then I also realised how I was attached to the outcome and then end up giving up.  Dhoni says focus on the process else the undue stress of the outcome can make one feel overwhelmed.  It is a practise.  

Confidence comes through action and so does overcoming imposter syndrome.

Knowing what to work on and working on it without guilt is a challenge of its own.  When I am in my apartment I want to work with two screens at my desk and the mind goes off for a seesaw.  So the way to tame this wild mind, I tell myself what progress have I made un the next hour will determine if I stay here or go to the lab?

My mind feels like a little kid - wants to be constantly entertained with dopamine hits after!

I either want to be entertained wanting to watch YouTube content - in the name and excuse of "education", learning, etc and get all excited about applications and when it come to the real application and the constant and consistent work, the mind has become like a monkey wanting to gather more information.

Another way to get this dopamine hit or effect is through eating - what can I cook?  something hot, something delicious.  Though I am not hungry at all after a heavy protein breakfast, I want to crunch on something eat something, be entertained through food.

Another way I get my dopamine effect or hit is through talking to someone - usually about personal development, mind games, how can I improve my life.  Seems like I like talking about "how to improve" but when it actually comes to the crunch I want to create and do something new or something that is fun - audiobooks, discuss the book, discuss what to read next, listen to MS Dhoni, listen to other great minds, basically do anything BUT The work!

Though I love XL, I realise I only love helping people with it.

I have this wonderful unlimited (actually limited) opportunity that I can work with numbers and how the experiments have unfolded.  I just don't seem to be interested.  I want everything on a platter, nice and easy.  I feel drained, disinterested and wonder if it is to do with the sugar levels in the body.

Oh mind, why do you wan tot be entertained so much, why can you not do what you are told to do and complete.  

Though it is a public holiday, I see people working on research.  Is it the true love of research or is it catch up time or is it I better do this out of fear!

I am looking forward to the movies tomorrow and also the Laksa lunch - both forms of entertainment.

Discipline is like building muscles

I had a realisation very profound and very deep that I know that it can become a core habit only if I keep cultivating and keep practising it just like going to the gym to "build" muscles.

Past few days, I have had minimal distractions and so focused on my task that I have had no other fleeting thoughts, no distractions, not even unnecessary distractions.  Why was that?  Because I have a deadline to meet.  As I worked on the task, I realised there was lot more to do and felt like a froth, the more you do the more you got to do.  I worked continuously and with dedication too.  There were times where I doubted if I will get this completed at all?  And at the same time I did not want to give up until the very last minute.

In a podcast with cricketer Badrinath and Dr Pal, Badrinath talked about MS Dhoni and how he always focused on how to improve for the next game - he treated this both for the wins and losses.  I applied this very principle till the very last minute before our meeting today.  Part of me wanted to give up, chuck in the towel.  Another part was, I still have 7 to 8 hours before the meeting.  Yes, I was up at 5:35am.  I could meditate for an hour and then start the day or just get right into my report writing.  I got right in and this has given me an insight that I can do this otherwise as well rather than starting the day with meditation.

I was very nervous because if you were to ask me - yes or no did I complete the answer was no.  And felt like a failure. I kept working on the task chunk by chunk without giving up.  Confidence comes after taking the action not the other way round.

Part of the brain wants to give up and the other part is like MS Dhoni just keep going and see how and where can I improve for the next task and then the next one rather than focusing on the time.  Though a part of me felt I had not completed a part of me felt accomplished.  I did not want to dwell and sit in either the "give up" part or the accomplished part.  It is a fine balance, a tough one to master like going to the gym to build muscle - does not happen on the first go or the second but happens eventually by going each day.  The progress is so slow, it can only be seen after a while or a gap of several days.

I ended up going to the meeting in person.  I presented what I had done and I was ready for whatever grilling that was going to happen.  More often than not, I have focused on the things I have not done rather than all the things I have done so far.  This ends up being a sense of "no achievement".  I interrupted this thought pattern by calling my supervisor and airing my issues.  Thanks to him and his thoughts, I realised I need to present what I have done so far rather than NOT DONE so far.  

I was worried, I will be told off wrecklessly, scolded, reminded of how far I am, how behind I am, et.  To my pleasant surprise nothing of that sort happened - no grilling.  Moral of the lesson when we go prepared without any hesitation or defense, only the best happens.

I got clear on to what is expected of me and in fact got a grace period to submit all things by tomorrow instead of tonight.  I got crystal clear on what was required and I finished the meeting with a big smile.