I had a realisation very profound and very deep that I know that it can become a core habit only if I keep cultivating and keep practising it just like going to the gym to "build" muscles.
Past few days, I have had minimal distractions and so focused on my task that I have had no other fleeting thoughts, no distractions, not even unnecessary distractions. Why was that? Because I have a deadline to meet. As I worked on the task, I realised there was lot more to do and felt like a froth, the more you do the more you got to do. I worked continuously and with dedication too. There were times where I doubted if I will get this completed at all? And at the same time I did not want to give up until the very last minute.
In a podcast with cricketer Badrinath and Dr Pal, Badrinath talked about MS Dhoni and how he always focused on how to improve for the next game - he treated this both for the wins and losses. I applied this very principle till the very last minute before our meeting today. Part of me wanted to give up, chuck in the towel. Another part was, I still have 7 to 8 hours before the meeting. Yes, I was up at 5:35am. I could meditate for an hour and then start the day or just get right into my report writing. I got right in and this has given me an insight that I can do this otherwise as well rather than starting the day with meditation.
I was very nervous because if you were to ask me - yes or no did I complete the answer was no. And felt like a failure. I kept working on the task chunk by chunk without giving up. Confidence comes after taking the action not the other way round.
Part of the brain wants to give up and the other part is like MS Dhoni just keep going and see how and where can I improve for the next task and then the next one rather than focusing on the time. Though a part of me felt I had not completed a part of me felt accomplished. I did not want to dwell and sit in either the "give up" part or the accomplished part. It is a fine balance, a tough one to master like going to the gym to build muscle - does not happen on the first go or the second but happens eventually by going each day. The progress is so slow, it can only be seen after a while or a gap of several days.
I ended up going to the meeting in person. I presented what I had done and I was ready for whatever grilling that was going to happen. More often than not, I have focused on the things I have not done rather than all the things I have done so far. This ends up being a sense of "no achievement". I interrupted this thought pattern by calling my supervisor and airing my issues. Thanks to him and his thoughts, I realised I need to present what I have done so far rather than NOT DONE so far.
I was worried, I will be told off wrecklessly, scolded, reminded of how far I am, how behind I am, et. To my pleasant surprise nothing of that sort happened - no grilling. Moral of the lesson when we go prepared without any hesitation or defense, only the best happens.
I got clear on to what is expected of me and in fact got a grace period to submit all things by tomorrow instead of tonight. I got crystal clear on what was required and I finished the meeting with a big smile.
