Am I brave?

 Brave

I have been called brave – just to get a flight to Argentina to go see someone.

Today, I had a friend ring me and ask me about a message she received from an ex “you are brave”.  I could clearly see it was a trap.  Sometimes in life, when we state the obvious to a friend, they may not take it because they are not in the right frame of mind to take it.  I offered her, well if the person said you are stupid, does that make you stupid?  If we know ourselves, we are not affected or triggered by what someone says to us.  

I asked her to check the “bravery”

I know for a fact that she is doing a lot of inner work and has shared tons of wisdom on her transformational journey.  I asked her how many people does she know who are doing the work she is?  Do we really connect with people on social media? Or is it a dopamine hit that we get when we get thumbs up and likes?

I realized that I feel so fortunate to do the work I get to do and have the guidance, blessings, and what not.  I am happy irrespective of what is happening on the outside.  I keep the mind happy, look for the gratitude, look and grateful for the blessings and gratitude.  I am much more focused on my PhD than ever before.  Wanting to do the work, get things done.

I also realized that the meaning that we put on bravery … is that going to our heads or hearts? 

If it is going to the head, it is a validation seeking process, “look at me, am so good.” IF it going to the heart, “I need to do more and I feel I have not done enough to be brave” the moment it goes to our heart it propels us to want to do more.  And if we are pondering why did this person say this what does it mean, I suggest asking myself … what am I to learn from this?  Would I be affected if the person said the opposite, or thought I was wasting time and money?

True transformation begins with being true to ourselves, doing the things that sing our souls, not to teach someone a lesson, or say “Look at me, am so good, am so successful, am BLAH BLAH BLAH”

When we live a life that is true to us, true to who we are, people reach out, people are truly inspired and we share the wisdom from our own personal experience!

I have heard Brene Brown speak about being "courageous" doing things from the heart .... the conversation helped me sum up my thoughts and grateful to the friend for the conversation adn reaching out too.

Taking the leap - quitting loneliness

 I have been approached by many friends and the common theme / fear has been of loneliness.

Jai, do you ever feel lonely?  What if I don't meet a guy?  What if I remain single?

I wanted to write a long blogpost about this and might expand more later.  I might actually do systematic research on this.

These were my realisations and questions I ask:

1.  What feeds my soul?

2.  What brings me joy?

Without depending on the other person, what are the things I enjoy doing and that spark joy in me (as Marie Kondo) would say it.

I think I have also got used to and accept my situation where I am,  hence I don’t' feel lonely anymore.  I am happy and find the joy within myself, without relying on the outer world.  Yes, I enjoy people's company too and I am also getting used to my own company and enjoying it.

I now see it as having a focus and workign towards something ... be it community work (volunteering, tree plantation, cooking workshops), photography, walking, nature, coffee shops, reading a book, discussing a book.  More so, what I realise it having a structure in place is important - breakfast, lunch, dinner, and focusing on one task.

I have been enjoying listening to Nithilan Dhandapani and his interview with Navaneeth Krishnan about mind (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NeXG3YKPnOE) and also listening to Laws of the Spirit World.

I also grew up where the words "I am bored" did not exist.  My mom always had a task or something to do, I never objected to doing it but rather enjoyed it.  So I wonder if boredom and loneliness are related.

Yes there were times I wondered, wat if I remined single.  So what is what I think now.   And according to a research (I need to look into this and quote) ... single women and married men are happier than single men and married women.

For my dear readers, do you feel lonely?  

What actions can you take starting with the shift in mindset required to transcend loneliness.  can you and are you willing to accept your situation and take full responsibility of your loneliness?  If the answer is yes, then you have won half the battle, the rest is in the actions.  I highly recommend 138 dates by Rebekkah Campbell.  

If the answer is no, can you sit with the loneliness?  Where do you feel this in your body?  Which part of the body feels uneasy, and can you observe it like a TV without any judgements?

And topic that comes to mind is how did I take the leap?

When I think of it, many people struggle with quitting.

Steps I took before quitting - my well-paid job(s).

I did a bit of homework - very basic on the future, where would I be, physically go check that place.  Financially was I ok, at least have some kind of savings to survive and live on the basic needs like food, shelter.  If you have friends who don’t mind providing temporary accommodation take it.  During this down time, have a routine.  Having a routine is important, it gives a structure to the mind and framework as if we are working towards somethings.  Discipline gives true freedom.  Freedom is not about doing whatever we want whenever we want.  IT can be disastrous and things like self-doubt, and all sorts of stuff creep in.

Even when my Thatha (grandfather) was retired, he had an immaculate routine.  HE still wore ironed shirts (white/cream) and green pants, carried a bag with book that he was reading, and a list of things he was exploring.

So, holidays is not all about do whatever you want .... if we are disciplined even the holidays can turn out to be very useful for spiritual and personal growth!

With that I quit feeling lonely and will continue with my research :-)

Have an amazing day!

Where is home?

When I was travelling, I felt a sense of awe and familiarity at the same time.

I felt grateful to meet and see the people.  I feel loved and grateful to love the people who matter too.

When I travelled overseas to see my host family, I realised how blessed I am.  Just one phone call and the neighbours turned up to say hello to me.

I felt so much love and realised how lucky and grateful I am.

It was spending time LB, I realised how her gratitude had rubbed on me.  I was truly grateful.  

I was grateful for the places, people, and situations.  All part of life lessons.

I was asked by one of my neighbours, where do you feel at home?

I was amazed at my own answer as it was a self-realisation at the same time,.

I said, I feel the globe is my home and the countries I visit are like different rooms.

For me Australia is like the kitchen - I enjoy the kitchen, for cooking, cleaning and the discoveries, including work wise.

New Zealand is like my backyard where I go to play and have fun ... the scenery, rivers, mountains, and much more.

India is like the restroom .... I go when I have to .... and for hygienic purposes .... having been born here, I follow ritual and reminisce my up bringing.  I go to the rest room to cleanse myself and remember my roots.... hahahaa.  I don’t hang out there much ... only for necessity purposes.

Then Switzerland is like lounge ... hang out and catch up with people, have deep and meaningful conversations.

USA is like perhaps the attic or the garage ... a place of memories and lot of opportunities, only for a short stay.

Given a chance, I would travel to New Zealand or Switzerland - I get to see and meet the beautiful people and enjoy the beauty of the nature!

So overall, I feel like a global citizen, a global nomad scientist.

At the end of the day it is all about familiarity, new learning, and internal growth and finding the similarity.

Gratitude Reflection Routine & Recharge - Grrrr

 I had the most incredible heartflet and indepth converasation with my frineds on gratitude, routine and just the mere fact of connecting the two of them for the first time recharged me like a thousand watt bulb!

We all shared about gratitude.

And What I found was if I do a gratitude for the sake of gratitude, it just doesn't work.  It did nto feel it was from teh heart.

Asense of awe or inspiration lead to gratidtude effortlessly else there was this nagging voice in my head saying" so what the big deal" as if it was a check to ensure I wasn't wasting my time.

My friends shared how they practise this.

Five things they are grateful for before the feet touches he ground and another shared aboutThree things they like (heart emoji), things they need to let go Things I let go, and wish for the day with a sunshine.

Reflecting on research

 Saturday, 18 January

As I was working in the lab, I had asked another research scientist how do they stay focused.

I realise I stay focused on tasks that are spontaneous, things that I enjoy thoroughly - example cooking.  I take it as a challenge and enjoy by ensuring I am better at it than my previous attempts. Then why is research any different?

When I make a plan, be it a meal plan or go to the shops, I ensure and have had success at completing more than 90% of the time.

As we discussed, I realised and saw a very high work ethic and dedication by this scientist.  I was amazed.  I realised I do life (so called personal life – eating, sleeping, meditating, connecting with people) like.  What can I apply to my research life like that?  As we discussed, they plan and stick to the plan no matter what, and of course they love the tasks, actions all encompassing research.  I could very well see that in my personal life and need that transformation for my research.  That same love and passion and not taking things for granted.  No matter how tired they are they keep going with the tasks.  And if they haven’t achieved htat they ask “ Why was I not able to do that”.  The question why is and can be daunting.  I realised my fear “Why did you not do this and that?”  I freeze when I interrogated like that.  It feels like I have to justify for my survival, forget about thriving it become all about surviving – the question WHY.  

I reflected and thought to myself … 

Here were some good thinking from Shade Zahrai - 

https://www.youtube.com/shorts/N31ASFuie7U

https://www.instagram.com/shadezahrai/reel/C3C5BoMPJTy/

Rather than asking why did I not get up early, why did I not come earlier to the lab, why did I not meditate.  I pause and rather than answering the why questions, only if I choose to reflect and think what or how can I make this better is one aspect of change. The other is going deeper in the why.  I had 10 things on my list and I wanted to make the solutions ready, though I had it on the list, I did not do it.  Though a super simple taks, I did nto do it.  Why?  I did not feel like it – yes it is a form of procrastination, and I asked again why to understand me better the answer that came was I can do it while waiting for other stuff like when the column is running or flushing, I can use that time to rinse the bottels and get my buffer ready – I am being efficient – doing all tasks while in the lab.  I did nto see a point in doing something for the sake of doing it, not for the sake of ticking off the check list or to do list.  I want to do it with a purpose.

This year I choose to finish what ever I am doing and be home by 7 or maximum 7:30pm.

I realise the pattern is I need a 12 hour break.  The later I come to my apartment, the later I start the next day and finish later too.  And over time when this accumulates, I give up the overly tolerated time.  

It almost seems like a puzzle – the procrastination and arrival fallacy - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UVS0iJK9WxY

Super Sunday

 I woke up early and got through the meditation.

I got ready but did not feel like going to the lab.  I was so badly burnt out from going and working nonstop including the weekends, so much so I was afraid of being burnt out again.

I got a surge of energy thinking of all the things I would do if I did not go to the lab.  I could do the laundry, vacuum my room, cook, and write a LOT more!  IT gave me such a jolt of energy, I felt as if I had a coffee shot.  That told me a lot.  So I cancelled the lab booking (without guilt) and thought perhaps I will go to the museum I wanted to.  Get batteries too for my shaver.  Plan my year ahead.  REad, read and do lots of reading too joyfully and happily.

though a small part of me felt guilty, I knew it would not serve me in the long run...the guilt usually drains the energy and goes into a downward spiral.  

I have my tax returns to complete as well ... yay in the most sarcastic tone!

Ok time for laundry and dry them in the room (going green and environmentally friendly), perhaps to the gym, and more writing.

TSchuus and ciao for now.

Happy New moments and many more joyous time

So I told myself .... happy new moments and many more prosperous years.

I realised that instead of planning full on, I can plan for the day and then as long as I am conscious and aware of my actions then I am ok, more than ok.

I felt a swish of freshness after returning from my holdiays, I realised I was so burnt out.  Like a wounded soldier, I kept fighting when in fact I need to relax, rejuvenate and recover.

When I look back, I realise the first few days I was a vegetable, not doing much, I could not believe where I was, I was just doing the bare minimum.  Eat, sleep, cook, rinse and repeat.

Then later I realised how grateful I was for my life, the opportunities I was presented with and the surge of wanting to finish my PhD.  Then I noticed my thoughts were they helpful or joyous. If I am berating myself or feeling sorry for my situation nd playing a victim, it was doign no help, it was the "poor me" muscle at play.  Why don’t' I and why can't strengthen I can do it muscle?  There is a chunk of me (I refrained from saying big) wanting not to believe or foresee in the future.  Another part of me is very much alive and right here right now, the one that I can rely on.

I started burpees today with the idea and intention to strengthen my muscles.  though I did nto do surya namaskar, I will add on to it slowly.  another experiment for today is startign the day and doign the one houyr meditation either in the afternoon or at night.

I had bhindi (okra) and yoghurt with chia seed and peanut for breakfast, a great way to start for a savoury breakfast.  I munched on white baps and butter, felt divine and now the sugar slump so having chai to wake me up.

My fear is, what if I lose my "feeling grateful" what if I "restat takign things for granted"  how do I sustain the feelign of gratefulness?

I did tell a frined of mine Dr Blythe to ask me "Did you write your 50 words today?"

I am starting to feel a little sleepy - is that the jet lag or the recovery from tiredness or the sore throat or is it just too warm today?

I also realise when people rush and in a hurry say things that appear harsh, a not to take it personally, b) say it nicely.  I have been in their shoes too, ususally it is coz I am in a bad mood or in a rush to dash off. 

THe knee pain has reduced but it hurt a lot when it did.  

As I sipped my hot chai, I felt the surge of energy and now I am still  feelign sleepy.