3 December 2022

So here I am ... Dora the planner.  am looking forward to the holiday that is yet to happen!

I am creating the possibility of the infinite possibilities. 

Venezuala - Angel Falls - one thousand meters of uninterrupted water falls.

The first time I heard about uninterrupted fall is when a firnednd's grandpa was explaining htat our devotion to God/Divine should be like an uninterrupted continuous fall - constant devotion without any interruption!  I also realised when I interupt people as they speak, share, their flow is lost or exacerbates what is about to happen without any calm, composure, or completion. We or atleast I tend to go into a victim mentality, justification, etc, etc.

Things to see in Buenos Aires - Theatre Cologne, Flower Sculpture, Floralis Generica, Ushuaia.
Usuaia is the 'End of the World'  I loved it when C mentioned this.  
Often we have heard people say it's not the end of the world.  Well, me being me, I want to go there and next time people say \It's not the end of the world, I can say ... Usuaia is the end of the world ... according to the Argentinians'

Had an amazing feeling waking up this morning and causing so many possibilities.

I am super pumped after having expressed how I feel ... and  asked myself who am I being?  I realised I am being vulnerable!

Am super nervous about my journey during Christmas. I want to be immersed in the country C is in. Perhaps meet his parents and family too.  I have been sleepless and afraid to share thinking this is krazy. May be am sharing this for my own peace of mind. I did not want to "bother" him .... hey if I dont' I will never find out ... I will never find myself .... so it is all the very worthy of taking this risk.  SO I shouldn't apologise.  It's his choice whether he wants to come and see me or not.  And this is the way I can empower myself to LET GO!

I felt C was squeamish, when in fact it was me feelign squeamish.  What if he does not want to see me, what if he does not want to spend time with me, what if, what if.  What am I pretending, what I am not doing?  This doing business stopped me and I turned it around and asked ... who am I being?  

I can only take responsibility for my feeling and DROP it like picking up a pencil and DROPPING it!  I am sorry to make MYSELF feel uncomfortable ... yikes and I was projecting that on him!

I know am trying too hard, was I being authentic?  Anyway, not long.  I want to share this news with my parents ... and am super nervous too!  So here I go have a conversation with them.  

The conversation went very well.  I created the space in my head first then wanted to share the news and also requested them to aks any questions.  My dad kept asking why am I chasing when the answer was NO, C is not interested.  I said he did not say NO and did not use those words.  May be this is a closure for me a completion for me on being ok, explore a new place, a new town where I do not speak the language.

I spoke to my firend and she said "I do not understand the obsession with C"  As she said this I realised yes I am obsessed, I realised there are many areas of my life I am obsessed.  Overall I am obsessed ob myself - is this commitment to myself, to my growth, to my evolution.  I wondered is love rational?  May be we need both - rational and obsessed mind - is this what commitment is - is this the discipline through commitment?

I am committed to being an author, to being an explorer, being in love, finding love for myself and supporting people finding the love.  Is my love C?  I can say he surely has shown me a path and whatever it takes for him to believe in himself or someone else, I am OK.  Standing there I am creating possibility to be committed to myself, to my heart, standing strong and keeping my loved ones in the loop, in communication and in the process helping them find their inner love, joy, and peace.