What has motivated me in the past? How can I apply this for my current position?

 THis one question I read it couple of days ago but I did not have a straight answer.

I started pondering, wondering.  All sorts of thoughts flooded.  There is no point in going back int he past.  I got to start somewhere.  Am sure something must have worked int eh past.

On a scribbled paper, I noted the times I had felt good, felt achieved ... goig to Switzerland, first published book, the radio interview, the book launch, the science comedy, the travels.

THen I reflected and thought what has really motivated me in the past, and I uncovered most of the time it was based on fear.  I better do this, I don’t' want to be in trouble.  I better complete this coz I I would do it.  It  more on a survival mechanism.

Then I was like "Hmmm, these are not helpful thoughts at all". 

I asked myself why am I doing a PhD ... what is the motivation here?  No not the fame, name.

I realised I was on "fear mode wanting to accomplish and finish few tasks.

Then I really concluded, damn a lot of is and was fear based.  

I shared these thoughts with my friend and asked her what were her motivations?

As we were discussing, even she found it difficult to answer.  I admitted I have been finding it difficult too.

Then I realised there was a time, I knew nothing .... and I was open to learning.  I did not have any qualms about not knowing anything about a topic, no imposter syndrome.  This unknown drove me to wanting to know and learn everything.  A beginners mind.  It reminded me of a time when I worked in the food industry and was given a plastic cup to see if that worked in the Food Hall.  An achievement was a) I had no expectation, so I kept working on what that meant and brought 16 people together in a room.

I am definitely motivated when I have to teach, I bring people together and weave them like a magic carpet.  The stage motivates me ... the whole performance and the unknown of how it will be received, I use the nerves as excitement.  Sometimes I do not prepare or practise so that that gives me an edge of I don't know what am I going tot say and I find that exciting.  People don't know and I don’t know and I milk and leverage the nervousness as excitement.

What else motivates me?  Travelling for sure.  Planning an event.  Cooking for people motivates me.

Self-improvement, continuous improvement surely motivates me.  I get such a kick out of "oh look what have I learnt?"

Not knowing anything, the uncertainty, cooking, bringing people together, the facilitation, connecting people and unfolding the magic, the gratitude all these things excite and motivate me.

Now the next question ... how can I apply that for my PhD?

When I get an imposter syndrome, rather than making that a statement, I need to frame it as a question ... what and how can I learn this process to make it better?

Knowing a little got me into the imposter syndrome and I need to frame and tweek and reframe to question, for example, if I feel I dont' know htis oh my god panic panic.  Say this to myself calmly and be compassionate by asking, 'what action or step I need to take to improve form where I am?'

From Blinkist from Feel Good Productivity .... by Ali Abdal "More often than not, you'll find the underlying cause is one of three things, confusion, fear, or inertia. Fortunately though, you can easily counter each with their opposite, confusion with clarity, fear with courage, and inertia with action. Let's take a closer look at these three pairings. Now it seems a no-brainer that confusion causes procrastination, but it's very rare to recognize it's simply a lack of clarity rather than a lack of motivation, for example, that's keeping you stuck. Simply taking a minute or two to run through the why, what, the how, the when, and where of the task or projects in front of you can ultimately save you hours. Perhaps less overt is when the underlying cause of your procrastination is fear."

Feeling heavy .... feelign liek a blob

 After a nice dosa lunch with butter panner masala and sambar, tomato chutney, and coconut chutney, I had a nice ice cream - acia bowl ... delicious I thought.

It had been a while since I had gone out just for shopping, for fun, no stress, no time pressure, just an outing with a friend.

Then I ran to catch a bus, boy I felt so heavy, I could not believe it.  That was enough for me to go to the gym for a six minute rowing work out!  then followed by leg extensions.  The thighs felt liek a jelly!

I felt heavy and it was not a nice feeling.  

Having given up sugar seems to be going well as I am not tempted by the chocolates or sugary stuff.

I came home thinking I was getting a bit hungry ... guess what after drinking water, I realised how thirsty I was and feelign so full.

Later int he evening I attended Ayurveda awareness program.  Reminded me of the Aryuvedic cooking I had done in 2008 and how useful it has been.  

Neerja was good and this is her website - https://ayurveda-awareness.thinkific.com

Sugar free till 31st March

 I thougth and it appeared easy taking no sugar in my chai ... that is the onyl sugar I add in my drink.

I can see my moods, cravings, disinterest and sluggishness.

I checked my glucose before fasting and notign all teh food I am having for breakfast lunch and dinner.

This feels really hard, so hard, I want to stay in my pyjamas, sleep all day and stare at the sky.

So far so.  I am becomeing aware of my cravings.  I dont' need to indulge sraight away, I delay the process.  Either by having cinnamon water or having an alternative natural sweet like fruits or dates helps.

I had chocolate muffins in front of me and I was able to take them home and put them in the freezer, with a hope I will eat them later.

Feeling tired but I keep going.  When I don't feel like dogin the work, I ask myself what is the smallest thing I can do towards that.  I made buffer solutions.  Usially I would put them off for days, but yesterday, I said jus tthis buffer and prepared and left the lab around 7:30pm.

Thoguht I took my laptop and work home, I was hungry and then too tired and slept off.

I am happy I havent' had any added sugar, dont' feel that sleepy and able to focus as much as possible.

I see my colleagues working around me and they are truely inspisiring, wanting me to do a bit more on my part.

today I saw a fatter version of me as I walked int he door, I freaked out and that keeps me on track to ensure I dont' take unnecessary sweets.    It has been a few days and I can say no to sweets not to savoury.

It had been only four days and when there was the Holi celbrations, I went for the savoury items first then ery tempted and gave into my temptation of soan papdi and the guava nectar.  After which I felt sik and wanted to wash it all with water.  I took some savoury snacks and did nto enjoy the sweets at all.  

As I walked back home I asked and realised why dodn't I go to the gym at least on alternate days.  I don't know where to start.  At least with the rowing may be 10 miutes on that and 5 on the cross trainer and slowly put in leg excercises.  Not a bad idea and did nto seem that difficult either.

I flet so bloated I want to do something about health and ecercise.

I have been keeping a track of my glucose and yes I admit it is very disheartening. Yet I will keep goign like a adedicated scienist .... collecting data. 

So this morng I came to the office printed my timetable what the day could pan out like.  With morning in the lab and afternoon for writing.  Theoretically sounds good and easy and now ave to implement them.  I am having dal (toor) and the left over banana stem curry.  THough I don't feel very hungry, I am eating this instead of munching on junck.

Talking about which there is cheezels in my cupboard.  I open the bag and drop a handful in the bow of dal rice and continue typing away.

I am reading "Unleash your power within by Suhani Shah as I finish my lunch.

Next stop ... print chromatograms and get into the lab.

Am I brave?

 Brave

I have been called brave – just to get a flight to Argentina to go see someone.

Today, I had a friend ring me and ask me about a message she received from an ex “you are brave”.  I could clearly see it was a trap.  Sometimes in life, when we state the obvious to a friend, they may not take it because they are not in the right frame of mind to take it.  I offered her, well if the person said you are stupid, does that make you stupid?  If we know ourselves, we are not affected or triggered by what someone says to us.  

I asked her to check the “bravery”

I know for a fact that she is doing a lot of inner work and has shared tons of wisdom on her transformational journey.  I asked her how many people does she know who are doing the work she is?  Do we really connect with people on social media? Or is it a dopamine hit that we get when we get thumbs up and likes?

I realized that I feel so fortunate to do the work I get to do and have the guidance, blessings, and what not.  I am happy irrespective of what is happening on the outside.  I keep the mind happy, look for the gratitude, look and grateful for the blessings and gratitude.  I am much more focused on my PhD than ever before.  Wanting to do the work, get things done.

I also realized that the meaning that we put on bravery … is that going to our heads or hearts? 

If it is going to the head, it is a validation seeking process, “look at me, am so good.” IF it going to the heart, “I need to do more and I feel I have not done enough to be brave” the moment it goes to our heart it propels us to want to do more.  And if we are pondering why did this person say this what does it mean, I suggest asking myself … what am I to learn from this?  Would I be affected if the person said the opposite, or thought I was wasting time and money?

True transformation begins with being true to ourselves, doing the things that sing our souls, not to teach someone a lesson, or say “Look at me, am so good, am so successful, am BLAH BLAH BLAH”

When we live a life that is true to us, true to who we are, people reach out, people are truly inspired and we share the wisdom from our own personal experience!

I have heard Brene Brown speak about being "courageous" doing things from the heart .... the conversation helped me sum up my thoughts and grateful to the friend for the conversation adn reaching out too.