Books in my virtual audio library

I love reading books, especially the personal development ones.  Is that an escape into creating my perfect life or is it a spiritual and human being development that I thrive and get such a buzz from!

There are always many books on the go.  Ideally, I would love to take a book, complete it finish it, write down key things I learnt and move to the next one.  I somehow seem to weave them like a patch work blanket.

Sometimes the Gita and sometimes the works of Swami Vivekananda.  And then there are people like Dr John Dimartini.  A friend sent me this link and I started taking notes - The 13-Step Manifestation Formula Behind The Law of Attraction - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wgDnba9RPpk

And then I was talking to a friend about what books have they been reading?  

These two to be added, in addition to others

1. Richard Feyman's Six Easy Pieces

2. Old man and the sea by Ernest Hemingway

3. The Values Factor by Dr John Demartini

4. Wealth money can't buy by Robin Sharma

5. The Imposter Solution by Cassandra Dunn

6. The Seat of the soul by Gary Zukav

It may appear and look like I have a lot of time.  YEs and no.  I make time for those that are utmost important to me that feed my soul and both intellectual and spiritual development.

Pros and Cons of being a research scientist

Good morning 

It's Easter and I am here in Wagga .... working away on few things on my mind.  Recently I came across an interview with MS Dhoni ... former Indian cricket captain and also known for being "Captain Cool".  His philosophies are simple and yet can appear difficult.

Recently I have become his fan for his principles.

Lot of things are going through my mind - some of the key learnings and so much more.

I started a pros and cons list of being a PhD student or in fancy terms a research scientist .... I wrote one word the same word in both columns, I laughed and that was end of the list.  The word was flexible.

Yes, as a research scientist there is flexibility how or when I work but what is freedom if there is no commitment or structure to it.

I started the day off well and then phased out because I did not complete what I set out to do.  I realised I have too ambitious standards and fail to reach them; I need to fine tune.  It took me almost an hour to do three slides, I realise the amount of work required and then I also realised how I was attached to the outcome and then end up giving up.  Dhoni says focus on the process else the undue stress of the outcome can make one feel overwhelmed.  It is a practise.  

Confidence comes through action and so does overcoming imposter syndrome.

Knowing what to work on and working on it without guilt is a challenge of its own.  When I am in my apartment I want to work with two screens at my desk and the mind goes off for a seesaw.  So the way to tame this wild mind, I tell myself what progress have I made un the next hour will determine if I stay here or go to the lab?

My mind feels like a little kid - wants to be constantly entertained with dopamine hits after!

I either want to be entertained wanting to watch YouTube content - in the name and excuse of "education", learning, etc and get all excited about applications and when it come to the real application and the constant and consistent work, the mind has become like a monkey wanting to gather more information.

Another way to get this dopamine hit or effect is through eating - what can I cook?  something hot, something delicious.  Though I am not hungry at all after a heavy protein breakfast, I want to crunch on something eat something, be entertained through food.

Another way I get my dopamine effect or hit is through talking to someone - usually about personal development, mind games, how can I improve my life.  Seems like I like talking about "how to improve" but when it actually comes to the crunch I want to create and do something new or something that is fun - audiobooks, discuss the book, discuss what to read next, listen to MS Dhoni, listen to other great minds, basically do anything BUT The work!

Though I love XL, I realise I only love helping people with it.

I have this wonderful unlimited (actually limited) opportunity that I can work with numbers and how the experiments have unfolded.  I just don't seem to be interested.  I want everything on a platter, nice and easy.  I feel drained, disinterested and wonder if it is to do with the sugar levels in the body.

Oh mind, why do you wan tot be entertained so much, why can you not do what you are told to do and complete.  

Though it is a public holiday, I see people working on research.  Is it the true love of research or is it catch up time or is it I better do this out of fear!

I am looking forward to the movies tomorrow and also the Laksa lunch - both forms of entertainment.

Discipline is like building muscles

I had a realisation very profound and very deep that I know that it can become a core habit only if I keep cultivating and keep practising it just like going to the gym to "build" muscles.

Past few days, I have had minimal distractions and so focused on my task that I have had no other fleeting thoughts, no distractions, not even unnecessary distractions.  Why was that?  Because I have a deadline to meet.  As I worked on the task, I realised there was lot more to do and felt like a froth, the more you do the more you got to do.  I worked continuously and with dedication too.  There were times where I doubted if I will get this completed at all?  And at the same time I did not want to give up until the very last minute.

In a podcast with cricketer Badrinath and Dr Pal, Badrinath talked about MS Dhoni and how he always focused on how to improve for the next game - he treated this both for the wins and losses.  I applied this very principle till the very last minute before our meeting today.  Part of me wanted to give up, chuck in the towel.  Another part was, I still have 7 to 8 hours before the meeting.  Yes, I was up at 5:35am.  I could meditate for an hour and then start the day or just get right into my report writing.  I got right in and this has given me an insight that I can do this otherwise as well rather than starting the day with meditation.

I was very nervous because if you were to ask me - yes or no did I complete the answer was no.  And felt like a failure. I kept working on the task chunk by chunk without giving up.  Confidence comes after taking the action not the other way round.

Part of the brain wants to give up and the other part is like MS Dhoni just keep going and see how and where can I improve for the next task and then the next one rather than focusing on the time.  Though a part of me felt I had not completed a part of me felt accomplished.  I did not want to dwell and sit in either the "give up" part or the accomplished part.  It is a fine balance, a tough one to master like going to the gym to build muscle - does not happen on the first go or the second but happens eventually by going each day.  The progress is so slow, it can only be seen after a while or a gap of several days.

I ended up going to the meeting in person.  I presented what I had done and I was ready for whatever grilling that was going to happen.  More often than not, I have focused on the things I have not done rather than all the things I have done so far.  This ends up being a sense of "no achievement".  I interrupted this thought pattern by calling my supervisor and airing my issues.  Thanks to him and his thoughts, I realised I need to present what I have done so far rather than NOT DONE so far.  

I was worried, I will be told off wrecklessly, scolded, reminded of how far I am, how behind I am, et.  To my pleasant surprise nothing of that sort happened - no grilling.  Moral of the lesson when we go prepared without any hesitation or defense, only the best happens.

I got clear on to what is expected of me and in fact got a grace period to submit all things by tomorrow instead of tonight.  I got crystal clear on what was required and I finished the meeting with a big smile.

What has motivated me in the past? How can I apply this for my current position?

 THis one question I read it couple of days ago but I did not have a straight answer.

I started pondering, wondering.  All sorts of thoughts flooded.  There is no point in going back int he past.  I got to start somewhere.  Am sure something must have worked int eh past.

On a scribbled paper, I noted the times I had felt good, felt achieved ... goig to Switzerland, first published book, the radio interview, the book launch, the science comedy, the travels.

THen I reflected and thought what has really motivated me in the past, and I uncovered most of the time it was based on fear.  I better do this, I don’t' want to be in trouble.  I better complete this coz I I would do it.  It  more on a survival mechanism.

Then I was like "Hmmm, these are not helpful thoughts at all". 

I asked myself why am I doing a PhD ... what is the motivation here?  No not the fame, name.

I realised I was on "fear mode wanting to accomplish and finish few tasks.

Then I really concluded, damn a lot of is and was fear based.  

I shared these thoughts with my friend and asked her what were her motivations?

As we were discussing, even she found it difficult to answer.  I admitted I have been finding it difficult too.

Then I realised there was a time, I knew nothing .... and I was open to learning.  I did not have any qualms about not knowing anything about a topic, no imposter syndrome.  This unknown drove me to wanting to know and learn everything.  A beginners mind.  It reminded me of a time when I worked in the food industry and was given a plastic cup to see if that worked in the Food Hall.  An achievement was a) I had no expectation, so I kept working on what that meant and brought 16 people together in a room.

I am definitely motivated when I have to teach, I bring people together and weave them like a magic carpet.  The stage motivates me ... the whole performance and the unknown of how it will be received, I use the nerves as excitement.  Sometimes I do not prepare or practise so that that gives me an edge of I don't know what am I going tot say and I find that exciting.  People don't know and I don’t know and I milk and leverage the nervousness as excitement.

What else motivates me?  Travelling for sure.  Planning an event.  Cooking for people motivates me.

Self-improvement, continuous improvement surely motivates me.  I get such a kick out of "oh look what have I learnt?"

Not knowing anything, the uncertainty, cooking, bringing people together, the facilitation, connecting people and unfolding the magic, the gratitude all these things excite and motivate me.

Now the next question ... how can I apply that for my PhD?

When I get an imposter syndrome, rather than making that a statement, I need to frame it as a question ... what and how can I learn this process to make it better?

Knowing a little got me into the imposter syndrome and I need to frame and tweek and reframe to question, for example, if I feel I dont' know htis oh my god panic panic.  Say this to myself calmly and be compassionate by asking, 'what action or step I need to take to improve form where I am?'

From Blinkist from Feel Good Productivity .... by Ali Abdal "More often than not, you'll find the underlying cause is one of three things, confusion, fear, or inertia. Fortunately though, you can easily counter each with their opposite, confusion with clarity, fear with courage, and inertia with action. Let's take a closer look at these three pairings. Now it seems a no-brainer that confusion causes procrastination, but it's very rare to recognize it's simply a lack of clarity rather than a lack of motivation, for example, that's keeping you stuck. Simply taking a minute or two to run through the why, what, the how, the when, and where of the task or projects in front of you can ultimately save you hours. Perhaps less overt is when the underlying cause of your procrastination is fear."

Feeling heavy .... feelign liek a blob

 After a nice dosa lunch with butter panner masala and sambar, tomato chutney, and coconut chutney, I had a nice ice cream - acia bowl ... delicious I thought.

It had been a while since I had gone out just for shopping, for fun, no stress, no time pressure, just an outing with a friend.

Then I ran to catch a bus, boy I felt so heavy, I could not believe it.  That was enough for me to go to the gym for a six minute rowing work out!  then followed by leg extensions.  The thighs felt liek a jelly!

I felt heavy and it was not a nice feeling.  

Having given up sugar seems to be going well as I am not tempted by the chocolates or sugary stuff.

I came home thinking I was getting a bit hungry ... guess what after drinking water, I realised how thirsty I was and feelign so full.

Later int he evening I attended Ayurveda awareness program.  Reminded me of the Aryuvedic cooking I had done in 2008 and how useful it has been.  

Neerja was good and this is her website - https://ayurveda-awareness.thinkific.com

Sugar free till 31st March

 I thougth and it appeared easy taking no sugar in my chai ... that is the onyl sugar I add in my drink.

I can see my moods, cravings, disinterest and sluggishness.

I checked my glucose before fasting and notign all teh food I am having for breakfast lunch and dinner.

This feels really hard, so hard, I want to stay in my pyjamas, sleep all day and stare at the sky.

So far so.  I am becomeing aware of my cravings.  I dont' need to indulge sraight away, I delay the process.  Either by having cinnamon water or having an alternative natural sweet like fruits or dates helps.

I had chocolate muffins in front of me and I was able to take them home and put them in the freezer, with a hope I will eat them later.

Feeling tired but I keep going.  When I don't feel like dogin the work, I ask myself what is the smallest thing I can do towards that.  I made buffer solutions.  Usially I would put them off for days, but yesterday, I said jus tthis buffer and prepared and left the lab around 7:30pm.

Thoguht I took my laptop and work home, I was hungry and then too tired and slept off.

I am happy I havent' had any added sugar, dont' feel that sleepy and able to focus as much as possible.

I see my colleagues working around me and they are truely inspisiring, wanting me to do a bit more on my part.

today I saw a fatter version of me as I walked int he door, I freaked out and that keeps me on track to ensure I dont' take unnecessary sweets.    It has been a few days and I can say no to sweets not to savoury.

It had been only four days and when there was the Holi celbrations, I went for the savoury items first then ery tempted and gave into my temptation of soan papdi and the guava nectar.  After which I felt sik and wanted to wash it all with water.  I took some savoury snacks and did nto enjoy the sweets at all.  

As I walked back home I asked and realised why dodn't I go to the gym at least on alternate days.  I don't know where to start.  At least with the rowing may be 10 miutes on that and 5 on the cross trainer and slowly put in leg excercises.  Not a bad idea and did nto seem that difficult either.

I flet so bloated I want to do something about health and ecercise.

I have been keeping a track of my glucose and yes I admit it is very disheartening. Yet I will keep goign like a adedicated scienist .... collecting data. 

So this morng I came to the office printed my timetable what the day could pan out like.  With morning in the lab and afternoon for writing.  Theoretically sounds good and easy and now ave to implement them.  I am having dal (toor) and the left over banana stem curry.  THough I don't feel very hungry, I am eating this instead of munching on junck.

Talking about which there is cheezels in my cupboard.  I open the bag and drop a handful in the bow of dal rice and continue typing away.

I am reading "Unleash your power within by Suhani Shah as I finish my lunch.

Next stop ... print chromatograms and get into the lab.

Am I brave?

 Brave

I have been called brave – just to get a flight to Argentina to go see someone.

Today, I had a friend ring me and ask me about a message she received from an ex “you are brave”.  I could clearly see it was a trap.  Sometimes in life, when we state the obvious to a friend, they may not take it because they are not in the right frame of mind to take it.  I offered her, well if the person said you are stupid, does that make you stupid?  If we know ourselves, we are not affected or triggered by what someone says to us.  

I asked her to check the “bravery”

I know for a fact that she is doing a lot of inner work and has shared tons of wisdom on her transformational journey.  I asked her how many people does she know who are doing the work she is?  Do we really connect with people on social media? Or is it a dopamine hit that we get when we get thumbs up and likes?

I realized that I feel so fortunate to do the work I get to do and have the guidance, blessings, and what not.  I am happy irrespective of what is happening on the outside.  I keep the mind happy, look for the gratitude, look and grateful for the blessings and gratitude.  I am much more focused on my PhD than ever before.  Wanting to do the work, get things done.

I also realized that the meaning that we put on bravery … is that going to our heads or hearts? 

If it is going to the head, it is a validation seeking process, “look at me, am so good.” IF it going to the heart, “I need to do more and I feel I have not done enough to be brave” the moment it goes to our heart it propels us to want to do more.  And if we are pondering why did this person say this what does it mean, I suggest asking myself … what am I to learn from this?  Would I be affected if the person said the opposite, or thought I was wasting time and money?

True transformation begins with being true to ourselves, doing the things that sing our souls, not to teach someone a lesson, or say “Look at me, am so good, am so successful, am BLAH BLAH BLAH”

When we live a life that is true to us, true to who we are, people reach out, people are truly inspired and we share the wisdom from our own personal experience!

I have heard Brene Brown speak about being "courageous" doing things from the heart .... the conversation helped me sum up my thoughts and grateful to the friend for the conversation adn reaching out too.