IT is kind of exciting to come to a lecture at 8am in the morning. Two decades how lectures have changed. No more over head slides and there is poll in class. I am quite impressed by the number of students who have turned up to the class.
I feel happy. I am happy. The weather is getting kooler as well. it is very refreshing.
Twenty third day of the third month of the twenty third year!
I surprised myself for not getting outwardly frustrated when I had to fill in the same form three times when I went to Service NSW today. It is for volunteering at the school. I realised and had glimpses of moments how I enjoyed my life .... and after too much carbs I am feeling quite sleepy!
The day can be structured any way I like, it is an open slate.
So I asked myself if I had unlimited time, how will I shape my life? what would that look like? And who would I be?
Apparently boredom is common - the best thing to do is break the trigger!
What is working well? And what has ben working well?
I like planning, I feel as if it has all happened and have better control!
What did I learn today ...
Horizontal - synonyms. Using OR in Boolean Operator
Vertical - layer. Using AND to refine
These are all the acitivities I can do when I am in the hostel in my room:
1. Hoola hoop, meditate, televisio, colouring, ironing
2. Cleaning, cooking, shower
3. Reading, writing, tax returns, colouring
These are the activities I can do while I am at my desk in the office:
1. Lab, read, write, blog, vlog
2. Email, planning, printing
3. Admin work, PD sessions,
Feeling quite peppy and happy today.
I started he day with 25 minutes meditation, then brisk hoola hoop for 15 minutes and then a brisk walk.
Listened to Dr Joe Dispenza on habits for the morning.
Dr Joe Dispenza - Do this first thing nt he morning.
I realised I need to consciously stop myself before I go into a berating about the things I haven't done! today I became conscious of it and caught myself and directed the thoguths consciously to the future using what I really got from yesterday's movie - in order to finish you got to start it!
I had breakfast with a senior PhD we made instant dosa and had that with quick zuchini sambar and cjai. At morning tea there was some biscuits galore. I no longer feel guilty for eating consciously, eat one or two biscuits. they had nice NICE biscuits. And then in the afternoon I had a meeting where I was chairing. I realised how much I enjoy steering the meetings, asking people questions, listening and really enjoying the conversation. The responsibility intially was nerve racking, and now I felt I was kinda enjoying when infact I will be giving this up to make room for PhD and no distractions.
I submitted my book for final layout with all the changes and I will be getting my first copy in hand very soon! yippeeee and then bulk print!!!!
I finished the human and animal ethics. The animal ethics module seemed lot easier - more common sense.
A true sense of achievement.
Yes, I feel famous and humble. It is a major major massive milestone achieved ... in step 6 of the process!
Wow ... what a movie!
One thing I was sure of was to watch Magic Meike's last dance.
How lucky to have the entire theatre to myself!
I packed my fruits, water, O-rings and made my way to the theatre. I even had my notepad and pen handy to take notes! I didn't need it. I finished the O-rings before the movie started and there were no trailers of other movies. I knew the story before I went to watch the movie ... was it worth it! Though I did not fully get the plot, rich lady, guy from Miami ... he could dance!
What women want! Do they know? Well apparently if they d theey complicate things.
And I realised and still reflecting on this one that I tend to keep moving my goal post and not being contended in the moment ... as there is no instant gratification!
I realise I need a structure and keep slogging at it with or without any feelings ... overcome and rise above them all - just do it, action and performance and don't' worry about the fruits of the action!
Yes, I have come a long way to rewire my brain that when I now read an article it makes sense!
There was a nice line that came to my head yesterday and would have been a very good article but pufff it's gone .... it was something like every square is a rectangle but evey rectangle is nto a square.
Oh wait a minute was it .... every rich person is (almost) famous but not every famous person is rich!
I feel recharged after the movie.
The key lesson I needed to hear and implement is 'In order to finish you need to start!' Nice one. I liked the way the movie came in the form of writing a novel about love, dance, liberty! and the start and finish how they all tied up so beautifully!
Though I did not feel the magical moment watching the movie ... it surely reminded me and transported me to what my magical moments were!
I intend to write each day .... What did I learn today?
Today's lesson - 'In order to finish you need to start!'
It has been 201 days since I started my PhD and 1076 days remaining to 28 Feb 2026.
the day starts and I brush my teeth, go for a walk, then have my tea, breakfast usually is Kanji (sorghum powder, ginger powder, oats, salt, sunflower seeds, hing - all soaked/fermented overnight and cooked while making tea), then a dollop of yoghurt with home made ginger pickle. And of it is gluggie, runny, and yummy like thick soup.
I usually have the clothes ready in the bathroom with towel the night before and then have a shower, perhaps cook lunch and ponder whether to take it with me or hang out at home, have lunch and then go to Uni. In between all this, I play Vishnu Sahasranamam, may be even audiobook, write down how many kilometers, what time I went to bed, what time I woke up a log.
Cut fruits and then check my to do list!
This has been the routine. no refinement, no nothing, just simple, plain.
I also sit in gratitude ... the things I am grateful for, how is the day, check the weather, perhaps update my wardrobe. What matching ear rings I could wear, even what do I need to iron. What day is it?
Rinse and repeat!
Today I pushed that email that I had been avoiding for days, weeks, probably yeons!
While all this, I wonder if I should drive or walk to the lab. What shoes to wear?
Check whatsapp, wonder what time is it in other parts of the world.
I am getting very impatient with myself. I am not seeing anything - no light and I am not sure which part of the tunnel I am in! completely lost. I am sick and tired of feeling this way. I am impatient with myself on my progress, I am impatient with the people around me. eels liek a ground hog day - day in and day out ... same thing everyday, look at the script I have written so far and freak out and go read the same paper, yes the understanding in better but it's all jus tin the head!
So much so that I know this feeling I am ignoring it.
Yesterday I started the Saturday 6pm to 6am fasting. I do not feel so fat!
I also got Jay Shetty's Book - 8 Rules of Love!
So here I am turning up everyday including on the weekends to the office at Uni.
It's not the environment affecting me, no body calls me either, there is no external disturbances and yet I am finding it excruciatingly frustrated with my progress, i.e. not much at all. Yesterday, I did some online stuff and sent the certificates via email.
Today, I cam and felt very sleepy so meditated where my mind surely calmed and then I went off to the city for shopping and eating pizza!
I managed to delete all my unwanted emails from another gmail account and now here I am on the blog!
I watched a YouTube on Accountability and laughed at myself for nodding and wondering how do I fit myself in - as if fitting into a size 6 dress when in fact I feel like a pumpkin!
I don't feel accomplished and to the least I feel annoyed.
I dont' knwo how will I get through this and so leave it to your imagination!
As I reflected adn deeply reflected, so deep that I was able to let go ... I realised the thing that was getting int he way for me to perform or the limiting belief I had was "It's not really important!"
Is this a way for the mind to mask? Seems like things that are super important, I tend to pay minimal attention, or is that so? I freak out with the expectation and the fear of not meeting it so much so that I dot' even start, I FREEZE! I freak out.
Why is it important I work on Lactoferrin? why is it important that I complete my PhD? Why is is important? Why why why if at all why?
So when you invite friends over for dinner, you don't cook after they arrived, right? You have everything ready and prepared. You don't wait for the entree to finish and then make the main. In fact a good cook always starts with dessert. With an end in mind.
What is my end in mind ... I see my thesis, with at least three publications in there as part of my thesis.
I woke up early today and was so obsessed over an email, I gave up. I saw my monkey mind jumping from one place to another telling stories. I realised this is NO WAY helping me. And when I am writing a literature review I am jumping from well I am not jumping the monkey mind is jumping from one topic to the other. Do I just ignore it, ahhhrrrr!!!!! No focus at all!
so after faffing around for almost two hours that is 120 minutes that is 4800 seconds here I am at my desk. No body around so outside distractions and socialising cut! I will not check my phone for another one hour and in another two minutes sTOp writing here to REstart my literature review!
Phew! god, Universe help me focus and enjoy this process!
I met my host brother and his family and got to spend the day with them in Sunny sydney. I felt out of place in Sydney as I did not know the place like Melbourne, or Zurich!
The best part was bringing them presents and seeing the kids enjoying time with their parents.
It took a while for the elder one to warm up to me and gave the best hug as I departed to Wagga.
It was amazing to see how the teen had transformed as an amazing father - a family man!
We also spoke about my host Dad. I realised how much I am grateful to them! And the credits of being organised goes to them for that. We reminisced good old times from putting junk mail int letter boxes, to hiking, travels, talking about our neighbour who was similar age to us, about Swiss trains.
I could see and feel how my host brother takes care of his family, his mum, his children. How patient both the parents are - him and his wife, very understanding caring, loving.
I took my signature dish - tomato rice and my host brother enjoyed it!
I felt so happy and very much visible in my photos.
So here I am in one of my
favourite places.
Today's intention is to be in
joy, happy and out of the guilty gutty and finish the go-getter!
I had a thing ... as I was
reading Jay Shetty's 8 rules of love, I thought, what would I do today .... my
intention was to only do ONE Thing. Go tot the library be surrounded by
amazing books, soak in the energy and atmosphere of geeking around famous
authors, people right from Shakespeare through to all sorts of books.
As I walked in I was greeted by
the lovely Librarian and she has the sweetest smile! Sweeter than the cup
cakes, sweeter than all candies put together. I complimented on her smile
and I could see the smile was form her heart! It is a bit scary to compliment
and especially it is the MARDI GRAS week!
I asked her to get me books on
responsibilities. She got me 'Am I doing this right' by Taya Hennessy ...
Life Lessons. I resonated very well with it.
So as I finish the final layout
for my own book, this will be a treat. Each day I could read one
alphabet, so that will be 26 days!
I have so many ideas for my
book and things I need to set up it is not funny! then I ask what about
PhD?
I need to find joy within
myself and PhD will happen. IT is not about this or that ... it is BOTH!
So I asked responsibility!
The librarian said it so well, we are not taught at school. How to take
responsibility or responsibilities?
Am I so scared of
responsibilities that I did not want any responsibilities? How do I take
responsibilities? I realised my brain fires up and loves these
questions. So when ever I go into a negative guilty gutter, especially of
the past things which I CAN NOT change ... I need to ask myself how can I take
responsibilities? The whole responsibility makes me feel so
suffocated. Earning more money means more responsibilities, means yuck,
means no freedom, freedom means no responsibilities. Is that so?
So what am I responsible
for? I don't have kids, so that's not a worry, I don't have a husband, I
am neither responsible for anyone or anything! Its so freeing and at
times saddening! Where I focus energy grows, so I will DROP The saddening
part, it is no fun, it is going int he opposite direction and the only
responsibility or choice I will take is what is it that I can DO? What is
my choice with my current awareness?
I am sitting in the library,
surrounded by amazing books, the energy that they carry, perhaps the emotions
too that I am able to keep them at bay and work away. There is a
lake/pond, the area is bright I see lot of trees, and I would classify this as
a writers paradise. There is also a museum nearby - something about
respect. Something something. Anyway, I cleaned my room and here I
am. The aim, intention, and goal is to finalise the layout. All I
need is pen and paper - all printed.
I got appletiser that I
originally bought for my parents. And I started drinking it as I was
watching some soppy stuff and movie. I watched it on fast forward mode
and then watched it again ... I am such a hard core romantic soppy chick!
I have dreamt of meeting my man
during my book launch and him reading my foreword. A sparkle twinkle in
his eye that only communicates volumes of the moments we spent together ... the
laughter, the way he make me laugh, and want to cook so many things for
him! Hmmmm ... anyway ... after much distraction I am now feeling very
sleepy. I have been listening to awareness YouTube videos by Dandapani
and then there is this new dude ... Mahatria!
I am getting such goosebumps!
I some how got to know I had
two avid of this blog. And something felt good within me. And at
times I wonder am I being too open, to raw with what is happening in my
life. What’s the point of all this? Why would anyone care what is happening
in my life ... or is this the rant that is not helping me? I at times
feel I have had a too much of a simple life. When I am energised I am
interested in what is happening in the world around me. Though I do not
listen to the radio, read newspaper, watch TV, what is this life all about?
One thing repeatedly comes to mind. Jai I am doing this for you and you
alone. As long as I like myself anyone else is a bonus, a cherry on the
top. Have no expectations, desires or wants of happiness from
outside. Be it peace, happiness, satisfaction. yes people are
attractive, simple, have their own things happening in their heads, be it
struggle, happiness, or what ever channel they want to tune into!
Sometimes I just want to take a break from it all ... break from the over
thinking, break from talking. All I want to do is go and help
people. Reminds me of the time when I was in New Zealand. I feel like
saying I am not interested in anything and don't want anything to be interested
in me. I want to get things done and keep moving in life. Bland
like water yet thirst quenching.
The Go Getter!
Today, I spent a good chunk of time doing literature review. I was going through the feed back I got and massaged whatever was required. though not fully completed, as I just started to beat myself up. I stopped I acknowledged I had a very productive day and ignore the other bits. Went to see my supervisor and asked few questions and felt good.
Catch the thought and if you entertain or dwell on it - you are set for guilt gutter! Yes, I can not change the past, regret will not help here, the only option I have is what do I choose and choose it powerfully NOW!
I am also learning to say no with a selfish focus of how that activity might affect based on previous experiences.
Unwavering Focus has become the theme now - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4O2JK_94g3Y
March the ninth - Transferable
Skills ... Cooking in Literature Review
Today as I was scathing up with
a fellow HDR, I was asked, when was the last time you felt happy or
joyful. My mind traced to when the Monk visited and how Cordelia and I
cooked up a storm! Ingredients provided, I did not know what I was going
to get for ingredients, yet I was confident on the outcome and it would taste
yummy! so I reminisced and said it was when I was cooking for the monk
and few friends.
When I cook, I am in a
meditative state - no thoughts, no words and super focused, just like how I am not
distractible (hmmm indistractible is not a word according to the dictionary,
bummer!) as I type these words on the blog.
Then I had a moment of
reflection. How can I make Literature Review as exciting and energetic as
cooking? The journal articles seen as the ingredients (unknown) and the
dish to be made as the Review itself - with starter, main, dessert and
condiments.
And as I got thinking, I
realised it is not just the ingredients that matter, it is the blend of salt,
oil, sourness or the tang and how much I cook. So what can I
transfer. I need to go in reading these articles with fresh clear and
clean mind with no preconceived ideas other than \Yes, I am confident and I can
do it!' The sourness coudl be the connectivity of the various articles or
topics. The salt could be the argument of each paper - what is obvious
and important message. The spice factor could be what is missing, the
gap. I realised when I get stressed I distract myself with other shiny or
interesting things. Call it stress or something more fancy! I got
to know about logical fallacy and about Tim Urban.
My reward to watch Tim's email
will be after completing a task I have set for myself.
Most of today went into looking
for my university card that I have either lost or misplaced somewhere and in a hurry,
I got another one!
I am so excited, and I realise
I need something new and exciting all the time. I seem to get
excited and entertained (this is a synonym with divert/distract!) with taks and
things not allocated to me, unless it is cooking, cleaning, I need to get that instant
gratification and is available and easy when people ask for help. What, when and I bring the how! Along with the how comes an ego boost
too!Then why can’t I do that to the taks assigned to me.
I was listening to Jay Shetty –
When skills and more than challenges we tend to get bored and when it is the
other way around, we get overwhelmed and apparently the perfect balance is
where the “flow” state happens! Go
figure!
I had a monitor and got two
spare ones from the uni. I thought if I can connect two from uni I will
give away one monitor. I was thinking so that anyone who needs it can use
it. I was doing all sorts of stuff to connect two but the image wasn't
too good or the colours did not match. And suddenly when I was watching
this video of procrastination form Tim Urban's Ted Talk an idea occurred to me
and I connected all three with good resolution. And guess what I made one
of them landscape for reading.
I realise morning times are particularly
good for absorbing information and after lunch I have this slump or sluggishness.
So in the mornings I will work from my room. And I will stop feeling guilty
it is about focus and output! I can do lab stuff in the afternoon!
07 March 2023
Focusing on one task is difficult especially when I don't see immediate results. I now understand fire fighting and then when there are times of rest and relaxation, it feels like too much of a doing nothing time!
I can see I am a bit more patient with myself and not as harsh on me .... I am thinking literature review all done and dusted and to be honest it is so hard! Parts that I have enjoyed are the areas I have been very curious about the level of lactoferrin in the milk, etc. Whereas something like the functionality is almost so boring and puts me to sleep. My supervisors emphasising that this is a training ground gives me relief and I need not be so harsh on myself - it will take time. I realised how far I had come though the literature review is not fully complete I see I have made progress - at least 4000 plus words!
Afternoon after 2.30pm is a struggle to keep me awake and this is hen I need to go for a walk ... the either is getting cooler so no more scorch heat!
I sip, drink water, yet do my best to read as much as possible - using fingers to guide me.
Today something very exciting happened. I ordered hash browns and after finishing my quiche I went and asked for it. The canteen apologized and made them for me and gave a coffee voucher.
As I waited and was speaking to my colleagues, I got 4 hash browns instead of three! though I was full from two, one I gave away and the other one I stuffed myself and hte consequences of which I am facing ... feeling sleepy! that's all the exciting part.
188 days since I started my PhD and 1089 to go!
Te girl who sits next to me who is doing an honours is super focused, super organised, am in awe at her study ethics!
Have I found my groove, I think so, yet I feel it is a long way to got to be patient, persistet and more importantly consistent!
Listening to Jay Shetty's Podcast On Purpose and his interview with Lewis Howes was incredible! Not sure if the pay it forward works for me.
I am also thinking of reviewing my commitments and what are the things to shave or cut down?
Am almost towards the end of 'How to Have a Meaning Conversation' I managed to connect with the author via LinkedIn. super impressed and pumped up about it.
I am not so harsh on myself. I am able to work away, tick along few activities. Managed to submit expense claims - not that I had to put it here but it feels like an achievement!
Today, I thought I will write what the Monk said about Forgiveness.
Thanks to Gehse-la Sherab for the talk on Forgiveness at Wagga Wagga
It is very important in spiritual path to be kind and compassionate. find peace through forgiveness! We are able to create better environment to solve conflict problem we have with each other. to find a better way to solve. To resolve anger feeling towards each other.
We learn to forgive ourselves and others. Only fully enlightened one do not make mistakes. Aim to achieve the highest realizing. Mind free from delusions. Learn from mistakes, not be harsh. Learn to let it go - bitterness, anger! Be gentle, kind to oneself and others. this will help our mind be calm, enjoy life, better physical health. through forgiveness the space for love and compassion grows. Resentment, anger, bitterness - there is no space of love and compassion. The negative feelings don't' allow space for love and compassion.
TO be able to forgive, one important thing is to understand
everyone makes mistakes – not intentionally.
The reason why we make mistake is not being an enlightened one. Accept and understand this will help. We expect ourselves to be perfect. Who doesn’t make mistakes? Try to do your best! Recognize and it will be easier to have the
forgiveness. We hurt or offend – not because
we want to. Intention, action is
important. Action – way we try to
help. Need the right skillful needs. Understanding to help, to let it go. Forgiveness is releasing he negative feeling
for others or oneself. Forgiveness is
releasing the negative feelings. We hurt
and harm or damage or suffer ourselves more!
More than anyone you are doing a favour for yourself! By forgiving you release your pain and suffering
sooner you are able to release, the less painful it is! B forgiving you are free form the anger,
hurt, resentment you open yourself for love, compassion. Your mind becomes more open to receiving
love, compassion from others. If you are
not able to let, go of the past – mind stuck in the past – it is not forgiving –
you do not find peace and happiness.
Live our daily life with a calm mind – develop these inner
qualities.
Forgiving oneself and other
Like many other virtues of the mind, learn to forgive. When life is easy, it is easy to be kind, compassionate,
be playful and be kind.
When there is a problem – mind starts to attack.
Be more kind, compassionate and forgiving.
When difficult times arise and you are kind, compassionate –
it is a sign of your virtues. Success
through forgiveness. Find peace despite
the difficulty in life. Keeping mind
peaceful, calm, and happy due to being able to forgive. When you are able to forgive, even your enemy
becomes your friend.
Transformation through forgiveness. Ability to forgive. Bring people closer. Mahatma Gandhi said, “Forgiveness is a sign
of strength and not weakness.” Stand
without any anger or bitterness! Have
success because of forgiveness.
Forgiveness is an attitude, something you practise. Patience, compassion and forgiveness – these leaders
are the ones that inspire.
Internal prison – resentment and bitterness. There is no space or happiness with internal
prison. Put what you have learnt into practise
when emotions over power – we are not happy with what with what we do – guilty shame
– that moment – you lost your mind that moment – emotions triggered
Tips that might be helpful to let it go, release, and forgive
Deep breathing
Watch your breath
Decide and make strong determination to let it go –
bitterness, resentment
Understand form their point of view
Where they are coming from, even though you may not agree
with their action
How can we be a better person and happy rather than holding
on that anger and resentment.
Reflect, contemplate, understand.
State of mind. Learn to
release, let it go
Consciously rejoice your virtues and virtues of others.
Thursday, 02 March 2023
It has been a while. Though I conclude PhD is not a sprint, it is a marathon, it is slow, it is even slower for me to enjoy the process. Unlike the industry where things happen at a rapid pace. I realise and starting to reminisce that buzz, that speed. I ask myself what are the things I have been enjoying?
Academic and intellectual thinking is about slow, cognitive, hmm ahha haa, ok process.
Today in the PD session about abstract we got this.
The link for abstract is https://www.writingcenter.com/2014/08/31/abstract-summary-or-introduction-how-to-write-an-abstract/
I will continue my journey here. I went for a walk with one of the students ... and I was telling her about meeting the monk. I got the gist that I had lost my zest .... zest that quench that thirst for curiosity. I realised I am being so harsh on myself.
Month of February was awesome where every single day, I was meditating, walking, keeping a good tab on my mental and physical health! It seems like it has slipped away - hey it is only 2 days into March, I tell myself.
There is this whole thing of guilt trap then doing things out o guilt I better do this and that and then nothing gets done! Uff .... I also had the realization it is about choice, what state of mind do I choose, what attitude do I choose. Similar to other virtues Forgiveness is not a one off thing it si a constant practice. I constantly remind myself - Jai, what or how can you enjoy this moment! It is not doing the Literature Review, I will not know everything, yet I need to reach there!
Good news ... the layout and proofing sheet done and sent. Yet there is part of me eating myself going, you should have done that ages ago! Will I ever stop Guilty Gutter that goes on a rant? If my mind is in the gutter ... it is on a guilty rant, you should be doing this you should be deign that, you haven't done this, you haven't done that ... nahahahnanananannanananaaaaa!
What do I want? How do I make today better? How can I be enthusiastic about today? What is my purpose?
It has been six months since I started. I have to be mindful of my chatter ... guilty Gutter or a go-getter!
I submitted my timesheets for the casual job here at uni. One of them will lead me to what I want post my PhD and the other one will polish my chemistry! Chemistry that I had not done - Year 12!
I can not expect the otuside world to entertain me, only I can have it in control be it happy, sad, mad, grumpy!
How do I make this journey simpel, easy and fun for myself!
